As light from the hallway hits my face I suddenly feel the urge to break down again. I don’t want to but my life is just so much more complicated here lately and not having anybody to talk to is really getting to me. I know I could talk to any of the guys but the particular subject of Andy and I is not exactly the easiest thing to discuss. Especially with my best friends who think I have umpteen women in my hotel rooms/dressing rooms/wherever else instead of Andy.

   I swallow hard as I feel two of my band mates sit down on either side of me. Assuming it’s Jake and CC I try to resist the urge to let my tears fall again.

   CC speaks first from my right. “Ash man, we’re worried about you dude. We need you with us here on earth. So wherever you’re at right now get your ass back. I know you’re probably having fun in your little little dream world at your “bunny” ranch more than likely but we need you to be with us right now.”

   I actually have to resist the urge to smile at this point.

   “Yeah dude really. You have plenty of “bunnies” here that would love to get with you in real life. You don’t need those imaginary ones,” Jake says, his voice coming from my left.

   “How long do you think he’ll be out of it?” CC asks.

   “Honestly CC there’s really no determining that. Whenever he decides he’s ready then that is when he’ll wake up. We just have to be patient,” Jake says in a hushed whisper.

   “I have no patience though so he needs to get a move on.” There is a brief pause before he goes on. “So what exactly happened between him and Andy?”

   “I’m not really sure to be honest. I know it had to be bad though cause it’s like you said earlier. Besides me and Ash, him and Andy have always been like two peas in a pod and it was like all of a sudden neither one of them wanted anything to do with the other. I actually wanted to him about that also to see if maybe I could get him to talk about it. Cause with him and Andy not talking it makes me pretty positive that the band is not going to be able to work out. It would be impossible to try to make it work I think,” Jake says. I feel pressure on the bed telling me he is propping his elbows next to my arm.

   “Do you have any idea at all though as to what happened?” CC asks and I can hear him start to pace.

   “No I really don’t. I’m really kind of clueless about the whole situation. Like I said it all just happened so suddenly and no one saw it coming that I have no idea whatsoever,” Jake says and the light from the hallway hits me in the face once again telling me that Jinxx has now entered the room.

   I can hear two pairs of feet moving towards me. I suddenly get the smell of something flowery also telling me that Sammi has now joined the forces.

   “Hey Sammi.” I hear the exchange of hugs.

   “Hey is there any change in him? Jinxx told me what happened. Is he alright?” Sammi asks and I feel her hand come to rest on my cheek.

   “No not yet but CC and I were telling him to get his ass back here. We told him that all of his “bunnies” are here waiting for him and that his imaginary ones aren’t good enough,” Jake says and I hear a light laugh pulsate through the room. “Did you get a hold of Andy?”

   “Yeah he’s on his way and just like I told you, he’s totally pissed off at you for not calling him and telling him about this when it first happened. So don’t be surprised if you don’t get an earful when he gets here,” Jinxx says a lot closer to me than I thought he was.

   “Well I will tell you exactly what I will tell him. I was just trying to put Ash first and do what I figured he would’ve wanted me to,” Jake says and I feel my heart rate start to go up. The last thing I need right now is for the two of them to start fighting. Things are bad enough already.

   Not able to pretend to be asleep any longer because of urge I have to piss, I finally speak. “You guys are losers and F.Y.I. CC my “bunnies” as you so like to call them, didn’t visit me in lala land. Only three of my annoying best friends did,” I say as I open my eyes and look at them for the first time since becoming conscious.

   “Oh my God dude. You just scared the hell out of me. How long have you been awake dammit?” CC asks with labored breathing.

   “I think the more appropriate thing to say is welcome back man. We missed ya. How are ya feeling?” Jake says cutting me off before I can reply to CC.

   “Oh just fine and dandy but I really have to piss so you all need to make my path clear and I’m pretty sure this hospital gown doesn’t close in the back. I’ll try to cover my ass the best that I can but no guarantees so if you guys and lady don’t want to see my ass you better skedaddle for a couple of minutes til I’m back in bed,” I say as I throw the blanket off and swing my legs around off the edge of the bed.

   “Thanks for the fair warning,” Sammi says as she pulls open the door and leads Jinxx out by the hand with CC close behind.

   “You need any help?” Jake asks me. I bust out laughing. “What? What’s so funny?” he asks seriously.

   “Dude you don’t even know the kind of visual that just put into my head.” I say as I feel my bladder warning me to get to a proper receptacle immediately.

   “I didn’t mean it that way perv. I just meant do you need help walking to the bathroom?” he asks with a disgusted face.

   “I think I can manage it,” I say as I stand up and pull my gown around me enough to cover my backside. As soon as I try to take my first couple of steps I realize that my legs feel like jelly and I fall sideways into Jake. Pain, stiffness, and soreness all shoot through my body at the same time.

   “Woah there drunkie. Are you okay?” he says as he catches me before I have the chance to fall completely.

   “Yeah I’m just sore,” I say as he walks next to me while we make our way to the bathroom. “Dude I seriously feel like a ninety-year-old man right now.”

   “Why?”

   “Because you’re helping me to the bathroom. I used to have to do this for my grandpa.”

   “Well for a ninety-year-old man, you’ve not only aged well but you’re also sexy as hell haha,” Jake says as he turns to face me while backing out of the bathroom. “Oh yeah baby look at dat ass,” he says before running out of my reach.

   “You just wait until I get my strength back asshole,” I say as I finally empty my bladder.

   “Where the hell am I?” I think to myself as I open my eyes and find myself looking at white walls and equipment surrounding me. I take a sharp breath in and realize that I have to be in the hospital. One, because I’m hooked up to a machine that is beeping, Two, the smell is awful just like most hospitals, And three, I am wearing a hospital gown. How the hell did I get to a hospital?

   Just as I am sitting up, while still being utterly confused, I hear voices out in the hallway…

   “What happened exactly Jake?” Well that sounds like Jinxx.

   “I told you I don’t know EXACTLY what happened. I called him on the phone early this afternoon and asked him if he wanted to hang out and he sounded just find. I go pick us up lunch then walk into his house find him sitting against his cupboards on his kitchen floor almost completely out of it. I have never seen him act like that. It was scary. I ever looked around him on the floor thinking maybe he had overdosed or something cuase that’s how he was acting. I couldn’t get him to snap oiut of it. I even slapped him trying to get him to come to and he was gone after that. I called 911 and then dialed you guys and that’s all I know. I’m not sure exactly what is going on with him but he had me worried to death.” I can hear Jake’s voice crack with the last few words which makes me feel terrible. I never meant to worry anybody.

   “Well just be glad you found him when did Jake or he could be in way worse condition. Had the doctor even spoken to you yet?” Cc’s turn to speak.

   If they were all out there then that had to mean that…

   “No the doctor hasn’t told me jack shit and it’s really pissing me off that nobody is giving my a straight answer,” Jake says and I can hear the frustration in his voice.

   “I wonder why Andy hasn’t shown up yet. I figured he would be like one of the first ones here after you called him,” Jinxx again.

   “I actually haven’t called Andy yet,” Jake says and I feel somewhat of a relief mixed with gratitude for having a friend like him who understand my situation. I’m pretty sure he understand it anyway. At least he understand it more than I thought he did.

   “What? Why not? Jake, Andy would want to know about this, trust me. Besides you and Ash, Andy and Ash have always been close. Why would you not call him?” CC this time.

   “Because you know what happened with them two. They had a huge blowout and I am just trying to respect Ash the best I can. I know Ash and I;m not sure if Andy being here would be the best option right now.” Thank you Jake.

   “But still despite thier differences he’s in a hospital for God’s sake Jake. And quite honestly I think it’s time for them to work out whatever the hell it is that went on between them and get over it so we can get the band back on track. Speaking of which, did you ever talk to Ash about that?” I feel irritation at CC but at the same time I really can’t blame him for being ticked off at me. I probably would be too if I was in his postion.

   “No. What do you think I was going over there to talk to him about today?” Jake says.

   Ever since Andy and I had our scuffle I hadn’t really been around the other guys much. I had kind of quit the band. Not officially, of course, because playing is my passion but I had told them that I needed a break and I know I’m not going to be able to hold if off much longer. I know that there are thousands of fans anticipating the new record and wanting to meet us but I also know that being around Andy is not a good idea right now.I’m in a bit of a pickle…

   All of a sudden a new voice joins the guys and it’s unrecognizable. I immediately know it’s the doctor by the way she starts to speak though.

   “Are you friends or family of Ashley Purdy?”

   “Yes. We are all his friends. What happened to him doctor? Is he going to be okay?” Jake asks as concern fills his voice.

   “Well physically yes your friend is going to be just fine. Emotionally, however, I can’t say the same. His stress levels are extremely above normal and he mus have hit his head somehow because he has a minor concussion. Nothing life-threatening, of course, so it’s nothing to be concerned about. But if you’re friend doesn’t learn how to take it easy this can become life-threatening.”

   “So wait, you’re telling me that all of this has happened. Him acting the way he did and being unresponsive was due to stress?” Jinxx is always the skeptic.

   “Oh yes sir you better believe it. Stress can cause you to become extremely ill if you don’t deal with it or manage it well. I suggest you talk to him or find someone who will maybe a therapist and a psychiatrist even. Get him somebody he can talk to, so that way he doesn’t end up back in here in a more serious condition than what he already is. I’m going to need to count on you gentlemen to keep an eye on him and come find me as soon as he wakes up.”

   “Okay we’ll tell a nurse as soon as there is any change in him. Thank you doctor,” CC says all too nice. Must be a cute doctor. “So do you guys think she would go for giving my her number?” CC asks and I can just imagine the looks he’s getting from Jake and Jinxx right now.

   “Really CC? One of your best friends is lying in a hospital unconscious and all you can think about is getting the doctor’s phone number?” Jinxx says and I hear the sound of a well deserved smack on the head.

   “Ow watch it. I was just kidding. Just trying to lighten up the mood a little. Trust me I’m just as worried as you guys are but I’m trying to make light of the situation. Thank you very much,” CC says and I can tell he isn’t really offended.

   “So what do you guys think? Do you think I should call Andy?” Jake asks bringing the subject back to Andy way before I want him too.

   “Honestly yes, I do think you should call him. Or I can, it doesn’t really matter but either way he needs to know,” Jinxx says.

   It’s at this point where I really wish I wouldn’t have to wake up. I know now that I will have to see Andy again before this day is over with.

   “Yeah you can call him and I’m going to check on Ash,” Jake says.

   I quickly lie back down and pretend to still be asleep as I hear the door handle turn. I’m not sure if I really want anybody to know that I am awake or even alive for that matter…

   Unable to handle my thoughts any longer I run around my house trying to find something, anything to take my mind off of what just happened. I have already cried enough over this boy I’m not going to anymore. As I am running around it finally hits me. Music…Music always helps me take my mind off of things.

   I frantically tear my whole living room and practically my bedroom apart before I remember that I left my iPod plugged into my laptop. I leap over mt and run into the kitchen snatching up my laptop from the counter. I press shuffle in my iTunes. I really don’t care what I listen as long as it takes my mind off of him…

   I hear the familiar sounds of motorcycles, guitar, drumming and laughing to start off Girls, Girls, Girls and think, all right Motley. Motley can take my mind off of anything. I crank the volume up and strut my way to the wall mirror to check myself over knowing that my paint was probablt smudged after what happened. Sure enough the “scratches” down my neck had pretty been rubbed off and my eye makeup was practically gone. Grabbing my paint and starting to reapply I listen as my iPod switches from Motley to…

You said this could only get better
There’s no rush ‘cause we have each other
You said this would last forever
But now I doubt if I was your only lover

Are we just lost in time?
I wonder if your love’s the same
‘Cause I’m not over you

   Damn it! No way! Why does that have to be the second song my stupid iTunes decides to play? I run over to my laptop to change it but for some reason when I get there and have my finger hovering over the skip button I can’t push it. It’s like I want to so bad but I just can’t. I finally come to the conclusion that the inner battle I’m trying to win of forgetting about Andy is not meant to happen and the biggest, most epicx breakdown of my life hits me. The one I’ve been expecting deep down for eight months now. When Andy and I first stopped talking I cried for a long time but nothing huge. I was hurt but I don’t think I have ever realized just how hurt until now. The emotional pangs of distress of him leaving me behind finally push me over the edge and wave after wave of pain hit me. Hit me everywhere, the chest, the head, the legs, the arms, the back and I hit the floor faster than a ton of bricks.

   Falling onto the floor, my back slams against the cupboard door and I pull my knees to my chest screaminf louder than I think I ever have in my whole life as Craig Mabbitt’s touches every fiber of my being in a way I didn’t think it to be possible.

Baby, don’t talk to me
I’m trying to let go
Not loving you is harder than you know
‘Cause girl you’re driving me so crazy

How can I miss you if you never would stay?
If you need time I guess I’ll go away (I’ll go away)
Inside me now there’s only heartache and pain
So where’s the fire, you’re begun the rain

Are we just lost in time?
I wonder if your love’s the same
‘Cause I’m not over you

Baby, don’t talk to me
I’m trying to let go
Not loving you is harder than you know
Girl you’re driving me so crazy

And if you don’t want me then
I guess I’ll have to go (I guess I’ll have to go)
Not loving you is harder than you know
(Yeah)

So I’ll make the call
And I’ll leave today
I’m gonna miss you ‘cause I love you baby
Yeah, I’ll make the call
I’m leaving today
And leaving always drives me crazy

Leaving always drives me crazy

Baby, don’t talk to me
I’m trying to let go
Not loving you is harder than you know
(Yeah)

Baby, don’t talk to me
I’m trying to let go (I’m trying to let go)
Not loving you is harder than you know
‘Cause girl you’re driving me so crazy

And if you don’t want me then
I guess I’ll have to go (I guess I’ll have to go)
Not koving you is harder than you know
Girl you’re driving me so crazy

Baby, don’t talk to me
I’m trying to let go
Not loving you is harder than you know
Girl you’re driving me so crazy

   “Ash?”

   “Jake?” I try to say but am unable to focus my attention.

   “Ash? Are you okay? What’s going on? Ash can you hear me?” I hear the sound of Jake, ot at least I think it’s Jake, rushing over and bending down to be eye level with me.

   “Jake is that you?” I think to myseld as I slump over. All of a sudden I feel arms grab me and shake me. I hear my name once but it sounds so far away. Almost like a really low radio. The last thing I feel before losing all consciousness is a sharp but numbing pain across my cheek…

   Not one word has been spoken. Ten minutes has passed and we are still standing here. I’m trying to figure out what the motive behind this unexpected little visit it and I think he knows that. Finally, after taking the last drag from his cigarette and flicking it to the ground, he opens his mouth to say, “Hey.”

   “Hey?!?!?!? That’s it? After eight months of silence and all you can say is hey?” I think to myself as I shake my head and turn to go back into my house.

   “Ash. Wait,” he says as I hear his feet shuffle across my law. Two seconds later I feel his hand on my arm. “Please justtalk to me?” It amazes me that his touch can still send shivers up my arm. What are you thinking? Pay attention. Now is not the time to be subtle.

   Okay you wanna hear me talk then fine.

   “Hey,” I say as I open my front door and enter into my house. Two can play this game. Turning around I give him one last look before I slam the door in his face. If I’m not mistaken I think for the first time since I met Andy, I saw tears in his eyes, but that couldn’t have been right. Andrew Biersack is not a man who cries, ever, let alone in front of anybody. I slide down the wall and put my face in my hands. This is not fair. He cannot just barge back into my life like this because he lonely for some “attention”. Not this time.

   A couple of minutes later I hear a light tapping on my door and a subtle but very clear whisper say, “Ash, I love you. I’m sorry.” Now the sound of footstpes moving away. Oh no you don’t…

   “UNBELIEVABLE. YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY UNBELIEVABLE. HOW DARE YOU SHOW UP HERE AFTER EIGHT MONTHS OF COMPLETE AND UTTER SILENCE TO TELL ME WHAT I WANTED TO HEAR IN THE FIRST DAMN PLACE. YOU LEAVE ME WITH NOTHING BUT ONE LAST FUCK AND EXPECT ME TO JUST BE OKAY WITH THAT? YOU SHOW UP HERE AND THE ONLY THING THAT YOU HAVE TO SAY TO ME IS HEY?!?!?!?!?!” I scream as I shove him into the driver’s side of his car.

   “I know, okay, I KNOW, it’s my fault. But you don’t understand…”

   “OH I DON’T UNDERSTAND? WELL I THINK YOU MAY HAVE FINALLY GOTTEN SOMETHING RIGHT FOR ONCE BECAUSE NO, ANDY, I DON’T UNDERSTAND. I DON’T UNDERSTAND FOR ONE MINUTE HOW YOU CAN PREACH TO ALL THESE KIDS TO NOT BE AFRAID OF WHO THEY ARE AND JUST BE THEMSELVES AND THEN TURN AROUND AND HIDE WHO YOU REALLY ARE. You know what you are Andy? You’re a coward,” I say as I slam my fist down on top of the car. “A coward and to me that’s all you’re ever gonna be from now on,” I say as I turn to go back into my house.

   “Ashley, for once in your life, will you just stop and listen to what I have to say?” he says as he grabs a hold of me, pulling me around to face him.

   “No why should I?” I say as I rip my arm from his grasp trying desperately to get to my front door. Not allowing me to take more than a couple of paces, he steps in front of me and places both of his hands on each of my arms.

   Gripping them tightly and pushing on them gently to keep me from walking any further he blurts out, “You wanna know why I’ve never let anyone know me in that way? It’s not because I’m a coward, it’s because there are things I have never been able to forgive myself about from my past. Letting people tear me down as a kid and feeling shame and regret because of who I really am. There are things about me that I don’t want people to know, at least not right now and not in that way. I’m not ready for it and it’s not easy for me like it is for you,” he says as his voice cracks and his grip loosens on my arms but he doesn’t let go.

   “YOU THINK FOR ONE MINUTE ANY OF THIS HAS BEEN EASY FOR ME???” I say as I yank my arms completely out of his grasp and out of his reach. “Andy I went from having a different girl in my bed every night to falling in love with you. You think that’s been easy? You think I was ready for this?” I say as I back him into his car once again while poking and prodding him in the chest. “Well I can tell you right now that not one single second of the time we had together was easy for me. Always having to keep things a secret, having to make up stuff if there was a chance we were close to getting caught, lying all the time. None of that was easy and things still aren’t easy,” I say as I feel the tears well up. Damn it, now now. I bite my lip and turn away taking deep breaths.

   “Ashley, I…. I don’t know what to say to you except that I’m sorry for everything. I know it doesn’t mean anything to you but I also warned you that falling for me would be a huge mistake. When we first started I told you that messing around was all I was looking for. I wasn’t looking to get serious. I mean when this first started you said to me, ‘Oh we’re just having fun Andy. We’re just messing around. No harm done, remember?’”

   “Yeah well things change and people change,” I say as I clench my jaw together trying to hold back the tears.

   “People don’t change Ashley. They just become the person they’ve always been on the inside just in a different perspective,” he says. I can almost hear the regret in his voice. Almost…

   “I’ve changed Andy. Falling in love with you changed who I am as a person and it made me grow up, appreciate things a little more, and accept things I maybe wouldn’t have before,” I say as I turn around and face him. “But now I can see that I’m the only one who’s changed. You’ve convinced yourself that people can’t change but it’s because you’ve never had to change for anything or anyone. You’re the same person you’ve always been Andy and when the day comes that you finally do make the needed changes in your life and you accept who you truly are, it’ll be way too late then.” The tears finally won’t stay any longer and come cascading down my cheeks. “I know the boy I fell in love with is in you somewhere. It’s up to you to find him,” I say as I start to make the walk to my front door.

   “Ash, are we ever going to be able to get past this?” he says and I can hear the desperation in his voice.

   “I don’t know, Andy,” I say turning around to face him one last time. “I really don’t, but to be quite honest it doesn’t look like it. You were right about one thing and I will give you credit for this. Falling in love with you was the worst mistake I’ve ever made and it’s not because I got hurt but it’s because I’m the ONLY one who did,” I say as I walk into my house and slam the door behind me.

   “Oww, son of a biscuit-eating whore!” I say as I trip over my dirty clothes laying on the bathroom floor while trying to get to my phone which, of course, decided to start ringing right as I am coming out of the shower. I pull myself up into a sitting position as I reach and grab my phone off of the sink. Flipping it open, completely out of breath, I am to utter a, “Hello?” which came out sounding more like “herro” due to the fact that I have knocked the wind out of myself from falling.

   “Hello? Ash, is that you?” It was Jake.

   “Yeah sorry I was just coming out the shower when you decided to call and tripped over my clothes on the floor. Speaking of which, why do you always call at the worst possible time?” I say I pull myself to a standing position.

   “Sorry, brotha. But that is why you should always throw your clothes in, oh I don’t know, the hamper you have right there in the bathroom, perhaps?” he says. I can hear the sarcasm dripping in his voice.

   “Do you want something?” I ask irritated.

   “Yeah I was acutally wondering if you wanted to grab some lunch. There’s some things I want to talk to you about.”

   “Okay that’s fine. Where do you want to meet?”

   “Actually I was hoping to maybe just pick something up and come over.”

   “Okay well that’s fine too. But let me get off of here so I can get ready. I’m pretty sure you would rather not see me naked,” I say as I grab my boxers and slip them on.

   “Oh, come on baby, you know that’s how I love to see you,.” More sarcasm.

   “You know something Jake? I think you could make a fortune living your life giving sarcastic replies.”

   “Haha you’re probably right. Anyway I’ll be over in a few. You want anything in particular to eat?”

   “Not really. Just get me whatever you’re getting.”

   “Okay will do. See you in a bit bra.”

   “Okay,” I say as I snap my phone shut.

   “Great,” I think to myself as I wipe the condensation from the mirror to look at my reflection. I look like I haven’t slept in weeks, which is actually pretty accurate. I haven’t had a good night’s sleep since Andy hasn’t been around. I look like I’ve been run over by a bus and pretty much feel that way too. It’s a good thing I wear eyeliner so thick nobosy can tell how horrible the bags under my eyes are. Jake probably would be able to tell though.

   I have never really been able to hide anything from Jake. He’s the only one really. Except for my relationship with Andy of course, which is a miracle all its own. It never ceases to amaze me that I’ve been able to hide that from Jake when it’s something I figured he would’ve caught right onto the moment Andy and I started fooling around. Jake isn’t gay nor bi in any way but he’s like my brother. Him and I are closer than anybody ever could be. He just understands me in ways no one else does and I know I could talk to him about anything. He always knows when there’s something going on with me usually so it makes me nervous to think about what it is he wants to talk to me about.

   Forty minutes later and I am finally putting the last touches on my warpaint. I walk into the hall and take a look at myself in full length mirror hanging on the wall. Not that acceptable bit it’s all I have energy for. I start to make my way to the front door because I can finally hear Jake pulling up outside.

   I open the door and start my way to his car when I stop dead in my tracks. I know this car and I also know who’s driving it. Sure enough, long, slender legs covered in leather, a bandana hanging out his back pocket, and a waist strapped with belts steps out from the driver’s side and there he stands. Six feet, two inches, of pure perfection. A skin tight black shirt covering broad shoulders. A simple black scarf wrapped around his neck. Thick, dark hair glinting in the sun. Winged eyeliner surrounding those baby blues. Rings and bracelets adorn his hands and wrists. And a cigarette dangling from those perfect lips…

Ashley’s Thoughts:

   “The beach… Very warm, sunny, and beautiful in the daytime. Cold, dark, and eerie during the night. Every step I took, every breath, every whisper was like a thousand needles piercing into the night. I always thought it was creepy how the beach is always so packed with people during the day but at night it is like an apocalyptic wasteland and I would be waiting for the zombies to come chasing after me any second.

   I used to hate the feeling of uneasiness I would get walking along the beach at night. Every sound I heard constantly had me looking over my shoulder to see if there was anything or anyone behind me. My eyes would convince my mind that there were deep shadows moving about. The beach was the only place I had to get away from it all though. But those feelings of uneasiness would change when I was with him. He was my protector, my saviour. The beach was no longer scary for me once he came into my life.

   I remember walking along this beach at night with him and no longer feeling uneasy. It was a liberating feeling but it wasn’t just because the scariness was gone, it was because at that moment in time I realized he meant more to me than I ever thought anyone could. We were standing inside of a cove hidden from the rest of the world. He was behind me resting his head on my shoulder and his hands on my waist. I was in love with him and told him so. I remember hoping that he would say it back ot at least smile but he didn’t. Instead he pulled me around, crashed his lips onto mine, and made me forget what I told him, just like he always did.

   We slept in the cove that night. His arms were wrapped around me as I fell asleep sucking in his scent and the smell of hte ocean. I woke up the next day watching him pull on his boots and I felt excited because I finally thought we were going somewhere. I was wrong. He left without saying a word just like he always did and I knew at that point that it was just another one night stand to him. To me, however, it was everything. I hadn’t been able to bring myself to the cove since that day. It was a painful reminder of the day my heart got broken for the first time.

   But now I am here again. In our spot, a spot I never thought I would, or could, go to again. I remember coming here with him. It was the one place we could go where nobody could see us and our “relationship” couldn’t be exposed. We came here all the time, whenever we had a break from touring or just a break in general. It was our cove, our sanctuary from the rest of the world. Of course, I don’t really consider what we had anything other than miserable one night stands thrown together. For me it was miserable, for him it was everything he wanted it to be. No strings attached in his eyes unless you count the strings he used to drag my heart around with like a puppet master making me do whatever he wanted me to do. Still, thought, this was the only place we were ever really alone so I accepted it gratefully.

   Tears now freely fall from my eyes. I have tried to stop this pain I’m feeling and move on but it’s impossible. It’s like trying to nail jelly to a tree. I have finally come to the conclusion that the tears aren’t going to stay behind my eyelids forever and so I let them fall. I want to move on but the thoughts of him holding me, whispering things to me, kissing me, touching me are things I will never forget. These memories will forever be embedded into my brain. I can’t take this…”

   Andrew Dennis Biersack. Perfect angel from heaven. My angel or at least he was once upon a time.

   “Going through this alone is hard… All I wanted was you and to be happy with you. Now I am alone and hurting more than I’ve ever hurt before. I still love you…

   I remember saying those words as if I said them yesterday but it’s been eight months. No one knew about us, not even our closest friends.

   You always asked me to remain silent about us because if people found out they would judge you instead of accept you.
I loved you enough to remain silent…

   You always asked me not to kiss you until we were alone even though you knew it was hard for me not to.
I loved you enough to wait to kiss you…

   You always asked me not to get too close to you on stage because people would suspect things.
I loved you enough to keep a safe distance…

   You always told me not to say inappropraite things in front of other because then everyone would know.
I loved you enough to keep my thoughts to myself…

   You always told me falling for you would be the worst mistake I could ever make.
I loved you enough to find that out the hard way…